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Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
If my job was to make health questionnaires, I`d slip in random stuff like "How fast can you run backwards?"
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
I accidentally ran over my neighbour`s cat........... Nine times....... just in case
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Technically, I don`t have to do anything until my wife wakes up and realizes I`m not doing anything.
I need professional help. A chef and a butler will do just fine.
Being ‘clean and sober’ means I’ve showered and I’m headed to the liquor store.
You know it`s a really good bar when there`s a couple outside breaking up.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
Do Hostess employees have Snowball fights?
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.
"I love you unconditionally*." -God *certain terms and conditions apply. See Bible for more details.