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Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
Always have faith and believe in yourself…well because..the rest of us think you’re an idiot!
9 out of 10 husbands agree that their wives are always right. The 10th one hasn`t been seen since the study was conducted.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
Always keep a note in your medicine cabinet that says, “I thought you were peeing?”
You know you are old when your birthday suit doesn`t fit anymore.
I’m pretty much always down for a snack.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
a lady at the grocery store asked me, "How do I know you?"...to which I replied, "You must watch a lot of porn".
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Common Sense is so rare, it should be classified as a super power.
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?