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Turtles do nothing and are slow as hell, yet they live for like 200 years. I`ll probably live forever.
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
I just found handcuffs, a whip and a mask in my girlfriend’s bedroom. I can’t believe she’s a super hero.
I just read that Lindsay Lohan is headed for rehab. It`s like 2008 all over again. Or 2009. Or 2010. Or 2011. Or 2012
Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it`s like a high-five for your feet.
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication!
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
Jingle all the way. Nobody likes a half-assed jingler.
If someone threw a rock and knocked me off my donkey, would I be stoned off my a$$?
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.