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When choosing a ring tone, always ask yourself, "How embarrassed will I be when this rings in public?"
Sometimes my attention span is shorter than a gold fish crackers are delicious.
I solve my problems by blatantly ignoring them and going on the internet.
when is humpty dumpty going to hatch?
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Wait till the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald`s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked ... But, so does Tequila
Ahhh..Sunday..the biggest decision of the day...to bathe or not to bathe.
I just want you to be happy…and maybe a little bit naked.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
I am hungry 25 hours a day
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She`s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don`t negotiate with terrorists!!
So you have 820 friends on Facebook and yet no one was around to take your picture when you decided to use the mirror for a good shot?
Look, here’s the deal: If you’re into immature, sexually compulsive men who drink too much and need to be the center of attention at all times, you are going to find me very attractive.