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Tattoos are like potato chips. You can`t have just one.
Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
My definition of" Armed and Dangerous" is: a pissed off wife with a bottle of wine, and the credit cards.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
It is a sad day when you go to all the trouble of getting a Frontal Lobotomy and no one notices.....................
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don`t have to share.
Adding “and sh!t” at the end of a sentence can make anything sound thug. Example: “I was playing with my bubbles and sh!t.”
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
What’s the difference between partly cloudy and partly sunny?
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.