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You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
I am a little worried that every "evacuation route" sign is leading away from my house.
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
Mall kiosk employees are basically human pop up ads.
What if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs?
Repeat after me: It doesn’t matter how big the problem is, posting it on Facebook won’t solve it.
Stole a cart from this woman at Walmart today. I like to think of it as playing grand theft auto suburbs edition.
I`m God`s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don`t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
I got rid of all the bad influence people in my life and now I`m bored.
How long does it take to get obsessed?
I`m at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.