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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating "I can`t hear you" over and over
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
I can`t believe that it`s almost the year 2014 and I still have to bend down to pick stuff up.
I`d like to apologize for getting drunk and making an ass of myself at your Christmas party next week...
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
You`ve got to love yourself ... Just not in public places
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Due to the rise in the economy, the position 69 will now be 96, due to the higher cost of eating out.
If there’s one thing that having kids will teach you, it’s home repair.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Why the hell isn`t the iphone`s battery life called "Apple Juice."
I`m trying to be healthy and grow my own food but I can`t find any Twinkie seeds.
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don’t f*cking deserve string cheese.
That fact that I need sun glasses to open my fridge means my night must have been awesome.