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Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Before I wash my socks, I just throw one in the trash.
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There`s no episode where a man asks a woman `what`s wrong?`
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
Blood moon, shooting stars....I gotta move to a safer galaxy
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE!? Neighbor: Get out of my house! Me: You`re not even guessing.
Dear math, please stop asking us to find your x. She`s not coming back. And we don`t no y either.
I`ve decided to start taking more supplements: calcium pills for my bones, ginkgo pills for my memory, milk thistle for my liver, ginkgo pills for my memory...
My buddy told me he was going to Beerfest this weekend, I asked him where, he said "any bar I walk into!!!"
Instead of going to Starbucks, I like to make my own coffee, yell my name out incorrectly, and then light a $5 bill on fire.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn’t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
And suddenly those annoying neighbors that leave their Christmas lights up all year long look like geniuses.
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.