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That person who waits to the last minute to change lanes and expects you to make room. NOT ON MY WATCH!
My life`s paradox: I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing & they live for 150 years. Lesson learned
I try to find the good in every situation. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
My therapist says I should quit talking to myself.
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice ... it`s cuz you have really nice tits.
Last time I saw jugs that big, 2 hillbillies were blowing on them.
I`d like to share my innermost thoughts and feelings with all of you, but I`m afraid they`ll be used against me in court someday.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.