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Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
I joined weight watchers last month, so far I lost 38 dollars...
The condoms need to be located in the baby aisle, next to the 30 dollar diapers and 20 dollar formula cans
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
You know you`re getting old when one huge fart throws out your back.
Perfect has 7 letters and so does meeeeee ....Coincidence? I think not.
You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun.
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
? Taken ? Single ? So sexy that they’re all scared to go out with me.
Apparently “cheesecake & tacos” wasn’t the answer the interviewer was looking for when he asked me what my weaknesses are.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
You know it’s a really good bar when there’s a couple outside breaking up.
Wow, that Macy`s parade is crazy! The Kanye West float just cut off Snoopy and said Woodstock can fly better!