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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
Imagine how freaked out the first human must of been on the first sneeze.
A cool thing about being in a relationship is that when you make a mistake you get to hear about it over and over.
Shout out to the new couples still holding in farts.
finally joined craigs list. who wants to see my junk?
If you use the word "gay" to desrcribe something that is "merry or happy" then you`re gay.
Remember all those times I said "wow, that`s cool!"? What I really meant was, "shut the f*ck up, I hate you."
You are not a "Food Blogger", you`re a "Fat a$$ with a laptop"
I`m one step away from being rich, all I need now is money.
Tupperware is so handy for those times when you feel like throwing out your food another day.
Office thermostats only have 2 settings: hell fire and hypothermia.
I`ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Like many people, I used to want to be famous, but after this year, I`m quite happy to be have been such a failure.
My memory foam has amnesia
Dear Lord, Thanks for making me funny. Especially since you didn`t give me much else to work with.