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Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
Having a favorite homeless person is weird, right?
There is no such thing as a dirty mind. Just a sense of humor with adult content.
If a girl bangs ten dudes in a year she is a slut. If a guy done he`s gay. Definitely gay.
Some people are like rain clouds. Once they f*ck off, it`s a beautiful day.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
When I order pizza online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
What scares me most is that some people think I actually know what I’m doing.
I tried to be a Rap Singer once. Sadly my rap album, `I Respect the Police & the Risks They Take to Keep My Community Safe`, didn`t do too well on iTunes.
The song "Take me out to the Ballgame" is sung almost exclusively by people who are already at a ballgame.
Getting old sucks. I use to wake up feeling like a million bucks. Now I feel more like a bounced check.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a sexy beast.
I am sweet, lovable, kind, shy, and innocent ... Oh, for heaven`s sake! Stop laughing!