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I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Why do some people call it a "tuna-fish" sandwich? It`s not like anyone calls it a "chicken-bird" sandwich.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
Dating someone based only on looks is so shallow. Consider other things, like, do they have a lot of money.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
The only thing alcohol can`t cure is alcoholism.
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Yes, autocorrect, that`s right. I hate that stupid ditch
The correct answer to "How are you?" is "Fine." If you ever stray from that dialogue, please know that nobody gives a sh!t.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...