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You can stop lifting weights now; it’s actually your personality that nobody likes.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Just took an inventory of my body and it appears to be overstocked in all the wrong places.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don`t know. Inspirational statuses are hard.
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
It might look like I`m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I`m quite busy.
Feeling pretty good about myself today so I`m going to go meet up with an ex-girlfriend to bring me back down to normal
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
How do you make your wife scream during sex?? Call her and tell her about it.
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.