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It only takes a few seconds to show someone how you feel about them......the police call it indecent exposure but whatever.
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
My interventions would be so much more effective if every single reason I drink wasn`t there
Someone outside the grocery store asked me if I had a few seconds to save the environment. I feel like it would take longer than that...
I think I have a serious problem---Today I was reading the newspaper and found myself looking for the "Like" button.
"He sure seems like a nice young man" is Grandma-speak for "I`d totally hit that."
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Sometimes my kid likes me, but I`m pretty sure it`s only because I`m his Oreo dealer.
I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke.
Heard Justin Bieber got arrested for drag racing. Sure it`s dangerous, but surely it isn`t against the law to run in high heels...
My grandpa has Alzheimer`s, so I just keep telling him he owes me twenty bucks.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don`t serve breakfast?
is wondering if the hokey pokey is really what it´s all about