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Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a better legal defense.
My safe word is letsgetmarried.
If you don`t boo at people after bad sex, how do you expect to motivate them to get better?
Dating should be like buying a car... You should get to talk to the previous owners! SHOW ME THE MANFAX
There was a spider in my bathtub so I got a tissue and very carefully burned the house down.
"I`d hit that!" -Helpful blackjack dealer
hmmmm...halo or horns today??
Life is just like a p@nis: Simple, relaxed and hanging freely, It`s the women who make it hard.
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
Neil Armstrong said "One small step for man...". I would`ve just said "OH MY GOD, I`M ON THE MOON!!!!!!".
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
The world would be a cleaner place if we gave blind people brooms instead of canes...
Whoever said "money doesn`t grow on trees" has obviously never sold weed.
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.