Daily Silly Status

I only say "God bless you" twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you`re a demon who must be destroyed.

I don`t think I could love any person as much as I love BACON... Mmmmm Bacon...

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

I hate when its dark and my brain is like “Hey you know what we haven’t thought of in a while?” Monsters.

If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?

you know what sucks about being a "chubby guy"....when your girlfriend wants to play with YOUR boobs :)

I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.

I like to go to the bar and flip peoples license plates upside down, then go home and listen to my scanner.

My wife thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m awesome because I have the bread.

tried being normal. Didn`t like the feeling, so I`m going back to being ME.

Woke up to gun shots this morning. Luckily my wife has horrible aim.

Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-

My new girlfiend is taking forever to exist.

Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.

Never ask a woman who is eating ice cream straight from the carton how she’s doing.