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Love is like Wi-Fi, you can`t see it, but you know when you`ve lost it.
If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
I keep trying to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
The right man will love you unconditionally, will be loyal, and will always be happy to see you. ... Oh wait, That`s my dog. My dog does that.
"Let`s give the bad guy a ponytail." - 80s movies
Every so often I’ll listen to my wife talk non stop for hours at a time, to remind myself why people wander into traffic without looking.
I used to have a life. Then some idiot came along and said "Why don’t you make a Facebook account? It`s fun".
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
It’s hard to tell if I’m dealing really well with life these days or if I just don’t give a sh!t.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
Job interview `What is your biggest weakness?` `Honesty` `I don`t think honesty is a weakness` `I don`t give a flying *#(@ what you think!`
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
I can`t figure out why everyone calls me a smart-ass. Is it because I`m smart and have a great ass?