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I just realized that if we drink enough wine, the adult`s table will become the kid`s table.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
If you´re a millionaire and you don´t have trampoline floors or a giant slide that goes from your bed to an olympic sized indoor pool, then you should just give me all of your money because you´re wasting it.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
Of course you have a right to your own opinion. Just like I have a right to tell you to shove it up your a$$.
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
I`ll never forget the first time I saw a dry erase board, "Wow" I thought, "that`s remarkable"
I wish I loved anything as much as rappers love female dogs and gardening tools.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
All a girl wants is a guy that can make her laugh ... and not just when he drops his pants.
I´m playing hide and seek with the kids right now and they´ll never find me, because they aren´t old enough to drive or get into this bar.
Whenever I feel that someone is about to sneeze I yell “PIKA!” & they’re like “CHU!”. I don’t have any friends.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
If you think your girlfriend has a great sense if humor, try leaving a trail of rose petals leading to a sink full of dirty dishes.