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Sometimes all you need is $100,000
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Unlike milk, it is perfectly ok to cry over spilled whiskey.
Okay, I can`t take it anymore. What in the hell holds the blocks up in Mario Brothers?
I think salads help you lose weight because they`re gross and you end up not eating them
My kids are the reason I wake up every morning. Really freaking early. Every...Single...Morning...
Bad things happen to good people, so I`m pretty sure we`re all safe
I`m sorry, all I hear is your perfume
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
LOL` the biggest lie on the internet.
Some young men are like bottles of wine. They need to be tended to carefully & given time to mature; which is why I keep a few in my cellar.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job there.
I would not mind living next to a serial killer. They never kill the neighbor. He`s the one that`s always on the news later saying "He was a quite guy, never really talked to anyone." Wait a minute ... I don`t talk to my neighbors!
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
The early bird gets the worm! So does the late bird. They all get worms all the time; there`s tons of those things. Relax, there will always be a lota worms......