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Kids may be a gift, but I like playing with the box it came in.
Keep calm and drink on.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
If these people don’t start giving better advice, I’m no longer going to allow them in my head.
I like to say, "Well, enough with the small talk" before anyone has a chance to speak.
That awkward moment when you leave a store without buying anything and all you can think is "act natural, you`re innocent".
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
I hate when a website has a picture that you can click and enlarge. Then the "enlarged picture" is the same exact size as the thumbnail!
I could really go for a vegetable sandwich! Maybe some tomatoes, some spinach, cucumbers... With cheese. And a hamburger patty. And bacon. Ok I really want a bacon cheeseburger.
I’m so happy people can’t hear what I’m thinking.
The nice thing about living in the southern states is that "He needed killing" is a valid legal defense here.
If at first you don’t succeed, try doing it the way I told you to.
You want me to smile? How can I smile when 28% of Americans aren`t getting enough fiber?
My whole life is based on a true story...