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is pretty sure there´s a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.
We laughed, we cried, we tried another credit card.
Kinda bummed that every Christmas for the last 12 years, I`ve been way too drunk to remember all the good times and the laughter we shared. Well, I leaned my lesson. It`s time to get my act together for the family. This Christmas, I`m hiring a cameraman.
I would like to give thanks to the brave men and women who died a long time ago tasting which plants were edible and which plants were not.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Whoever said, "All men are created equal", has obviously never been to a nude beach
Whats the definition of a tree? Something that stands still for forty years then suddenly jumps out in front of a woman driver.
The trouble with bucket seats is that, not everybody has the same size bucket.
Just completed my sexual harassment training and I think I`m finally ready to start harassing people.
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Roses are red, violets are blue, daisies are white, sunflowers are yellow. This florist has everything.
Everyone sends text like "good morning sunshine", so I texted "good morning solar eclipse" ... Yeah, don`t do that.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
Letting my dad play Angry Birds on my iPad is like showing a caveman fire.