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Nothing makes me turn off my car and start leisurely Facebooking than someone honking at me to pull out of a parking space.
The reason Rump Roast is called Rump Roast is because nobody would eat it if it was called Cow A$$
Funniest thing ever heard on TV. "Ward, you were a little hard on the Beaver last night"
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!!!!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If you want your team to win a sporting event just tell me. I will root for the other team. That will guarantee a win for your team.
People: What a bunch of bastards!
This haunted house sucks. It`s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad. Wait, I`m at work, sorry.
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
Some people are too chipper early in the morning. They don`t realize how bad it is for their health.....until I`m choking them
I don`t gamble. I don’t drink. My one vice is my iPhone. Well, that and lying about drinking and gambling.
I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t