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My nose is "running", that`s all the exercise I can handle for one day.......
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life`s face to find she has deflated in the night.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
That weird moment when u just say "what`s up " to someone and they thing you`re a shrink.
My wife sure is picky for someone who married me.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
If I had a nickel for everytime I said, "If I had a nickel", I`d be rich.
Have you ever wondered about the look on someone`s face if you hide under their bed and grab their foot in the middle of the night? Just something to think about.....goodnight!
If you smell Axe body spray on your lawyer,, you`re going to jail.
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.