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I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I`m jealous of my parents, I`ll never have kids as cool as theirs.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I can`t help but feel important when someone says there`s a special place in hell for people like me.
The key to a successful relationship: Tools > Internet Options > Clear history.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
Sometimes I want to comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08' album at 4am.
Maybe the government just needs to control/alt/delete and then restart in safe mode.
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
I start every morning with a simple affirmation: I will not murder anyone today.
When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
I`m honest, so when I say I took a "cat nap" that means that I slept for 18 hours and then pissed on your favorite shirt after I woke up.