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I miss the days when minding your own business was a thing.
Imagine being the sort of person who knows what every button on a TV remote does.
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
I`m thankful for pizza and burgers... and ice cream and bacon and fries and... F*ck it, I`m thankful for food. I love you, food.
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
It`s been discovered that 1% of the population is allergic to Gluten. The other 99% are sick and tired of hearing about it......
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
To Do List: 1: Buy a knife 2: Call it kindness 3: Kill people with Kindness
Taking a nap is always so risky like when will I wake up -- In 30 minutes? In 3 hours? In 9 years? No one can ever be sure.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
I have no idea why they say that counting sheep helps you fall asleep. This farm is freezing and these cows are noisy as hell.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.