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"we can still be friend" .. is like saying "The dog died, but we can still keep him"
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I don`t know if I`ve got some free time, or if I just forgot what the hell I`m supposed to be doing...
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling "woo hoo", but after that my schedule is wide open
I`ve been single so long now I don`t remember what it`s like for someone to be mad at me for something I didn`t even know it did!
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
If idiots could fly this place would be an airport.
I just read an article about the dangers of drinking that scared the crap out of me. That`s it. No more reading!
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Can you make garlic bread out of frozen waffles? Asking for someone who wishes they had remembered garlic bread at the store.