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Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
I won’t come to your party unless you have an animal I can spend the whole time hanging out with.
"Oh wow, it`s a fruit cake! I`m going to eat some of it right now" ...said no one ever.
I took a sexual harassment course this afternoon ....I think I`m gonna be pretty good at it.
With so many things coming back in style, I can`t wait until morals and intelligence become a trend again.
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
Buying someone flowers is kind of a weird idea. Like: Hey, these are for you, now watch them slowly die, because I love you.
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
The beeping noise from microwave is always 100x’s louder at night.
*pulls shirt back down* I guess I don`t understand what a flash mob actually is.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
Who ever invented the knock knock joke should get the no bell prize.
Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket. Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.