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I don’t go to bars for the same reason I don’t grocery shop when I’m hungry. I always come home with things I didn’t need.
Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
One of the major benefits of using a combined 2 in 1 shampoo/conditioner is having enough room leftover on the shower caddy for the beer.
A lie is just a great story that someone ruined by telling the truth.
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule
To a cop, doing donuts in a parking lot has a whole different meaning.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside!
If you want to take a bank teller out on a date, just ask her. Don`t slip her a note at the window. Trust me on this.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!