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I don’t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it.
When I say “the other day” I could mean yesterday or 5 years ago there’s no in between.
There’s both a McDonald’s and a blood pressure machine in this Walmart. Circle of life.
Whenever I see a really hot girl with an ugly guy, I think "klondike bar".
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
Siblings – the only people who will pick on you and then kick the a$$es of anyone else who does it.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Sometimes I wish my dog could talk…then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?
Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name "fire place"