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Whoever named the seesaw probably didn’t get another chance to name stuff.
Does this green St Patrick`s Day beer count as a vegetable.
I drink to make other people interesting.
There`s never been a lazier group of people than the ones that settled on naming a candy bar "Whatchamacallit."
Roses are red, this much is true, Violets are purple, not f*cking blue
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Someone asked me today if ive ever been with two women at the same time. But why would I want to disappoint two women at the same time?
“True beauty is within” for example opening your fridge.
I keep graphic, full frontal nude pictures of myself on my cell phone in case anyone ever hacks it. That`ll teach `em.
I got the girl to hysterically laugh today just by asking her out for a date.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.