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One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
There is no "we" in "bacon", so don`t even ask.
Nothing says poor life choices like the guy with the half smoked cigarette behind his ear
I have a bad habit of laughing at inappropriate moments.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
How dare you incinerate that I don`t know big words.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
Cleaning a house while toddlers are in it is like brushing your teeth while eating Oreos.
I wish that just once, the clerk would just put the Monopoly money in the drawer and hand me a receipt
I`m one of the nicest a$$holes you could ever hope to meet.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..