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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
Here`s to ignoring our real problems and getting outraged about something on the internet.
God is creative... I mean look at me??
I think Facebook is the Malaysian plane of the internet. No one on here has been seen by their family in weeks.
It`s bad luck to be superstitious.
You know it´s cold outside when during rush hour you get the mitten instead of the finger.
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
My coworkers will stand around confused during a fire drill but the office turns into the Hunger Games when there`s lunch brought in for everyone
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.
Next time I go to Hooters I`m ordering milk.
It’s the people that DON`T talk to themselves that are the crazy ones. At least that’s what I tell myself.
Between the coffee and the cocaine, it looks like the mission of Colombia is to wake up the world.