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The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it`s your day off.
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
If there is one-thing in this would i don`t like being thought is ... a lesson.
Just once I`d like to see someone in a movie call bullshit when someone tells them their phone number starts with 555
Only a few years ago, the average parents had four children. Nowadays, the average child has four parents.
My anaconda really doesn`t care if you got buns or not.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Don’t be too flattered. If I’ve come up a fun nickname for you, chances are it’s because I’ve forgotten your real name. Sorry, Cowboy.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
A word to the wise isn`t necessary - it`s the stupid ones that need the advice.
I puked in the backseat of my friend`s brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn`t any social networking back then, so I`m telling you all now...
This guy at the gym just did four sets of selfies.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
A good thing about dating a vegan is that you could kill 2 birds with 1 stone, when you buy flowers because they`re also a snack for later.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.