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Just once I`d like to yell, "Don`t you know who I am?!" because I`m important, not because I`m drunk and actually forgot.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that`s just science
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
If you`ve ever wondered why an animal is stupid enough to run into oncoming traffic on the highway, then you`ve obviously never been married.
I hope you all have a prosperous New Year ... I may have to borrow money.
Tip of the day: When the cop asks you if you had anything to drink in the last 24 hours, do NOT ask them for the time... trust me
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
How come no one in a zombie movie has ever seen a zombie movie
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
The one thing women don`t want to find in their stockings on christmas morning is their husband
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
With my eyes. That`s how I roll.
If nothing else, love is nice because it confirms that you do not hate everyone. Just everyone minus one.