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Hot Pockets: For when you want every bite to be a different temperature.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse"
Word on the street is... Lol. Jk. I don`t go outside.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
What does lolz mean...Laugh out loud zebras?
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
"2, 4, 6, 8!! Ride my face let`s fornicate!!!" And with that, HR banished me from all future employee picnics.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.