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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I love you with all my thighs. I would say my heart, but my thighs are much bigger.
Snoring is just God`s way of ensuring women hate their husbands while they sleep too.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
*accidentally answers phone call* ... *pretends to be answering machine*
I am, have to avoid the leg cramps during sex, years old.
Stop complaining about being single on Valentine`s Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald`s doesn`t serve breakfast after 10.30
a friend will calm you down when you`re angry a best friend will run beside you with a baseball bat shouting, "somebody`s gonna get it!"
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.
I`m pretty sure even Santa wishes they would stop playing Christmas music on the radio this time of year.
Some life lessons are so profound; you only need to do them one time. Putting Icy Hot on my balls, for example …
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn`t met me yet
Don`t worry, kids. Being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.