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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
You girls are lucky, tampons are changing the end from a string to a bit of tinsel but its only for the Christmas period
If you surround yourself with people funny enough to make you laugh till your abs hurt, you’ll never have to work out!
Procrastinating is just enjoying all the side quests in life whilst you delay the main quest story mission
Sometimes I meow back at cats.
Shout out to bees, willing to kill themselves just to inconvenience a hater.
My personality is 30% the last movie I watched.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
If you ever feel sad remember that there’s a number you can call and a pizza will be there in 30 minutes.
I dreamt that was dreaming, and then someone woke me up and told me I was dreaming but it turned out I had only dreamed that so I went back to sleep in my dream, all upset that my dream that I was dreaming was interrupted by another dream....hahahahaha.....whoa, need to lay off the Red Bull.
Seriously, You accidentally catch six kitchen towels on fire and all of a sudden you can`t go in the kitchen alone anymore.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.