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Don`t rush me, I`m waiting until the last minute.
I always read my wife`s Horoscope to see what kind of day I`M going to have...!!
My girlfriend says I talk while I sleep... but I`m skeptical. Nobody at work has ever mentioned it.
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
This cashier looked at my 12 bottles of weed spray so weirdly, I suspect she`s never broken a lawnmower before.
"Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it, I better call the police!" - literally no one ever
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
I want to delete a bunch statuses, so if you guys could just message me your passwords that`d be great.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug