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When you upload photos to Fb, i`d appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends ... It makes stalking them MUCH easier, thank you!
Instead of calling it the John, I call my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell, well he actually told me to eat "less McDonalds" but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.
If your girl sets her Facebook relationship status to “Widowed”, it’s time to pack a suitcase as fast as possible.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
A show called the view shouldn`t hurt your eyes
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
If we`re all expected to have sex with our Valentine on Valentine`s Day, I`m truly dreading Presidents` Day.
Did you know dryer sheets double as toilet paper and leave your a$$ smelling like meadows and rain drops?
Experience with women has taught me that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
Turns out having boobs only gets you stuff if you don`t have a penis as well.