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So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I`ve thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people......
What if every time a song pops into your head, it’s really just your brain intercepting one of the bajillion radio signals bouncing around you?
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it ... just sayin
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year, and then discover once a year is way too often.
In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, there is no question. I would want them to be alive.
To honor Thanksgiving this month I will be calling every one Pilgrim instead of Dude or Bro-- Fair warning
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Siri, where are my pants?
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Celery is 95% water and 100% not pizza.
I don’t drink to forget, I… what was I saying?