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President Obama says his daughters need minimum wage jobs to "learn what it means to work." May I suggest the same for members of Congress?
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Two things I am thankful for: 1: Family and friends. 2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.
I have this talent of getting tired without doing nothing.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it´s still on the list.
A fun gym game is to drag your treadmill behind someone else`s, and then run with a determined glare while holding a bat.
I drink because people talk.
Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don`t think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me.
I used to date a magazine editor. But, I broke up with her because she just had too many issues. No YOU shut up!
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there’s some millionaire walking around who invented the Pool Noodle.
A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste
Why is there a show called "When animals attack"? It should be called "When stupid people go near dangerous animals."
keep scrolling I`ve got nothing....
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.