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If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Did you ever notice that the doctor’s bill is always a lot more readable than the doctor’s prescription?
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
True love doesn`t care about the look or size of your wallet, it`s all about what`s inside ..... the wallet.
if its got tits you will get nothing but trouble !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
"I`m tired of you pushing me around and talking behind my back." ----people in wheelchairs probably
I always say, your laundry is never completely done, unless you do it in the nude. Which probably explains the strange looks at the laundrymat this afternoon.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
"Sir your phone`s ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."
Duct tape can`t fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound.