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Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
I just ended a long-term relationship today ... I’m ok though, it wasn’t mine.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Just ONCE, I`d like to look deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
I removed my windshield wipers and now I don`t get parking tickets. Suck it meter maids!
Social Media Awkwardness: When people "like" a relationship status of being single by your ex instead of yours.
I’m not saying don’t trust the internet but there’s an alarming discrepancy between the number of ipads I’ve won & the number of ipads I own.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
Just wrote ‘You have no new messages’ on a piece of paper, put it in a bottle and threw it far out to sea.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
I always stip to help women broke down. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how a good porn starts off.
Every have one of those moments where you look at yourself in the mirror and think "Damn if I weren`t me, I`d totally hit that."
That Awkward Moment when you’re being sarcastic and someone believes you.
The best part about living by myself is not having to explain why I fell asleep on the kitchen counter… naked… again.