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Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Someone told me I`m immature and need to grow up. Guess who`s not allowed in my treehouse now.
Sometimes I think I`m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.
Me: "I want to travel more." Bank account: "Like, to the park?"
If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
Don`t judge me. I was born to be awesome, not perfect.
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.