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I`m an organ donor, but I`m pretty sure all they`re going to use my liver for is "after" photos.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
All things being considered......half of your friends are below average.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
Our neighbor said he wouldn`t mind me stealing their newspaper if I would at least put a robe on first.
The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.
If life is a Bitch, then why hasn´t it made me a Sandwich
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
I broke up with my girlfriend by e-mail. I don`t know what upset her most, the fact that I did it by email or the fact that I cc`d my new girlfriend who wanted proof.