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is about to stick a pin in your voodoo doll... brace yourself.
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
You ran a marathon? I ran like 5 red lights this week...
My husband is not allowed to help with math anymore. Apperently 4 = 6.5 in his reality.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
To this day, the boy that used to bully me at school still takes my lunch money. On the plus side, he makes great subway sandwiches.
I`m great at spelling bees ... But hopless at spelling other words.
Your so lazy you should have a Life Alert bracelet that says I`m Just Napping.
If Facebook changed "poke" to "stab" I would use it all the time.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
Improve your day by ordering coffee in the voice you use for your pets.
God: Is there anything else you need Adam? Adam: yes I want a Sandwich! God: Ok let`s create eve.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.