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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
One thing I think the world can agree upon… Any day when you can stay in pajamas the whole time is a good day.
My day at work wasn`t easy, I just made it look that way!
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
What if "I`m coming out with a new scent" was just a way for famous people to warn others that they were about to fart?
didn`t get much sleep last night, I tried counting sheep but they kept cutting in line, confused the hell outta me!!
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
I`m not anti-social I`m just pro leave me the f*ck alone.
My favorite part of seeing someone I know in public is pretending I didn’t.
I will vote for Donald Trump just to hear him tell Obama he`s fired!!
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?