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I`m living in a drama-free bubble today. Respect the bubble people, respect it!
Sometimes it looks like Iām flashing gang signs, but really Iām just trying to get Scotch tape off my hand.
I don`t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
Definitely never want to own a small fruit stand in an action movie.
My GPS says "time of arrival" ... I see "time to beat."
I hope manners is the next cool trend.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Reason number 347 why I hate Facebook: A guy from high school posted 11 new photos all with the caption "me"
In the 60`s we took LSD to make the world look wierd. Now the world is weird and we take Prozac to make it look normal.
You mellennials and your obsession with public healthcare, back in my day we just died!
After a night of heavily drinkin` there`s one thing I can`t stand...and that`s up.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
My doctor recommended I increase the amount of Greens in my diet...so I started drinking more Rolling Rock.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.