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When I say "It`s a long story," it doesn`t mean it`s actually a long story. It means I just don`t want to tell you.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
No body on there deathbed said I wish I had spent more time at work
Is it true that the older you get the crazier you become? Or is that just me?
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn`t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
Being married is 90% talking about what to have for dinner.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Not to brag, but my bathroom floor is so clean I can sleep on it. Apparently.
The only way I`ll ever run a marathon is if I set up the booths and hand out tags.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
Sometimes, when I "like" your post, it`s because my touchscreen is too sensitive and I only meant to scroll by your ass. Sometimes. ;)
I wondered how smokers could afford them, until I realized they don`t have to save for retirement..