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Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I`m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
You`ve got to be twins. You`re too stupid to be one person.
If your problem can`t be solved by me saying "damn" and nodding a lot, then you shouldn`t come to me for help.
My neighbor`s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
If you could see what goes on inside my head, you would have nightmares for weeks!
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
A sheep spends it`s entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the Shepherd.
My ex says that he will dance on my grave. I`ve now arranged to be buried at sea
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
I was worried my notifications had stopped working but luckily I’m just unpopular.
Tip to reduce weight, first turn your head to the left and then turn it to the right. Repeat this exercise every time you are offered something to eat.
I know you’re supposed to have 3 balanced meals a day, but how many can I have at night?