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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
There are over 10 different flavors of Ramen Noodles, yet they all taste like poverty and loneliness.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
The last time I touched a breast, it was in a KFC bucket.
iPhone 6: For people who don`t mind holding an iPad up to their ear.
I`m proud to announce that I`m still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don`t know we`re racing.
I keep my TV volume at "screw the neighbors".
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
If history has taught us anything, it`s that reheated french fries are gross.
Live For Today… Plan For Tomorrow… Party Tonight!
Girlfriend: No, you hang up... Me: (click)
Marry someone who can cook. Love fades, hunger doesn`t.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.