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According to my nipples, summer is over
It`s pretty stupid the way mornings have to come every morning.
I think my front door faces the wrong direction. People keep finding it.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Never take a laxative and a sleeping aid on the same night. dont ask me why.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
Waiting for the day when a girl finally says that I’m “the one,” but isn’t talking to a police officer.
Can`t believe people still say "pot" it`s not the 70s anymore we call it "saucepan" now
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
When I said I like it rough I was talking about the sex, not the whole entire relationship...
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
“Until death do us part,” means we will all be single in heaven, right?