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Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I`m fearful of her college days.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
thinks the voices in my head are out of beer.
If you`re going to be stupid, don`t do it on Facebook.
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Honestly, I’ver never see anyone fall because of a banana.
Sometimes you can just tell it`s going to be a "Does not play well with others" kind of day.
If you ever hear me say that I missed you it`s only because I have bad aim.
I just saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth ... She was down to the final four.
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.
That awkward moment when you tell your parents something funny, but it turns into a life lesson.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?